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Sunday, February 12th, 2006
2:23 am
Life changes so much. I'll only write on here occasionally. I'm always so busy. But that post-uni feeling, it's an odd one.

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Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
8:50 pm
okay, so im posting because tommorrow's message sounded pretty low. and its not fair to leave out the details. even so, its been awhile since i spoke to a lot of you. and theres a lot of details. so heres just a few: someone has changed my life a lot. losing them forced me to change. hopefully for the better. i saw this person again. and it made me realise (as if i even need telling) quite what it was that i'd lost. but i have met someone new. i had met others since her. and i couldnt bring myself to even hold them. but finally the someone new is someone worth trusting, maybe even caring about. itll be hard but ill try. cambridge is a strange place to return to. many people have moved on.

i have started playing my guitar more than ever. i have new songs. i also just got a job with play.com which'll tide me over for a while. had a better day today. i shall post in sobriety and better understanding tommorrow.

sign up to www.myspace.com.

like this, but BETTER.


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Monday, May 16th, 2005
8:16 pm
I've not been in here in age, but i'm updating my MySpace page a lot more frequently. If anyone here is signed up, add away. If not, you should sign up (www.myspace.com). It's certainly more functional than LJ.

Anyway, when I return home I will:

* Learn to drive
* Start looking after my hearing
* Go to the gym regularly
* Take up an evening class (yes, an evening class)
* Start keeping track of where my money goes
* E-bay my earthly possessions away
* Enquire about promoting in Cambridge
* Form another band

It's like new years resolutions. But not.

Self-discipline me-up baby!


P.S. All of this will take place in the pub.

current mood: tired

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Sunday, March 20th, 2005
2:22 pm
philip schofield ate opposite me the other day. i wanted to give him a big hug. i didnt though.

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Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
11:35 am
Morning. i havent been on here for awhile so, like, i am again. let you all know im alive, just about. its been a hectic couple of months - on the upside the band we signed at Denial, LOVE ENDS DISASTER! are getting good press and their EP "Stories For The Dislocated" is selling steadily on Rough Trade and through a few independents. It even looks like we'll have distribution for future releases.

On the down side, I am single again. After a wonderful year with Claire; the distance between her in
Middlesborough, myself in Wycombe and both of us too skint to even afford the £60 train fare up to see each other, it kind of made it all too hard to carry on. While I miss her, I'm not bitter; those were the best 12 months of my life and I feel like she's given me more confidence and helped me find a little more direction.

I've been putting a lot of my time into my band to make up for that void of her not being here anymore. We played our Students Union on Saturday night as support to Dive Dive but we had a bit of a nightmare; i broke the strings on two guitars, used another one that was completely out of tune, and we had no soundcheck. Nevermind, we were shambolic but I'm not bothered; we have three more shows in the next two weeks. One at a house party Saturday, then at The Roundabout, Then supporting Degrassi (Ex-idlewilder Bob's band), Brigade (Charlie Busted's brothers band. Yes.) and Sucioperro. I'm liking playing the live shows.

How is everyone?


P.S. As I write this I have been up the entire night doing coursework. My hands are going to drop off now.

current mood: exhausted

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Tuesday, December 28th, 2004
6:14 pm - MySpace?
oh and MYSPACE. I have that too.

Feel free to add me or let me know about your pages.



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6:10 pm

Everybody's hungry, so lets feast
Let's take another bite of what we never needed
Everybody's starving for some clarity
And some forceful conversation
No one is applicable to me
It's nothing personal, it's nothing personal.

Let's soldier on without any guilt
Let's soldier on without any shame

Everbody's thinking, so lets not
Let's act oblivious to everything, and never say a thing, anything.
It's easier not to have to really care
And pretend what is there, is not there
Our spoken vitriol can be a tragedy.
Time for IQ and vocabulary, clever vocabulary.


Set the controls, our eyes pour out tears of petrol to fuel the tanks
Set yourself goals, and show some vision, show some original vision.
Set the controls, to an overdrive where only you can hear, my special
Stay strong and stay bold, confidence makes the best first impression


It's about time, baby.
Fasten up.
And hug me blue.
Fasten up.
And hug me new.

current mood: content

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Sunday, December 26th, 2004
2:11 am
I now promise myself that I shall write something every day. Whether it's in here. Whether on my other page. Or in my diary. My new notebook. Finish a song. Finish a list of lyrics. Keep track of things. That would be good start.

I've had a good day but a sad one. My grandad was told in November that he'd need a triple heart bypass. He's due for it in March I think. But he seems to think it's the end of him. He said today that he thought that "he should enjoy Christmas as it'll probably be his last". He was quiet all day and then, when we were all in the kitchen, some silly banter about eating before the main meal ended up with my Grandma suddenly bursting into tears and having to sit by herself for over two hours. I think she can't bear the idea of losing him. She's as worried as he is. And he's one of those people who can't keep his mouth shut. And neither can my mother and often, and this is one of my worst habits, neither can I. I have a tourettic like urge to speak my mind at times but luckily for me I still remain in posession of some tact nonetheless. My grandfathers open worrying worries us all and it became an unfortunately subdued Christmas. I tried my best to combat that by being as friendly and upbeat as possible and, to some extent, I think I succeeded in raising spirits.

I suppose it happens to us all. Our relatives age and so do we. My relatives are no longer a pain, my parents comments weren't there to spite me from an early age; they were instead there to guide me. I see them now as people, as having feelings just like you and I and I hope I consider that a little more too. I slip up sometimes, I can remain languid in disrespect but as a whole I think i'm changing my attitudes for the better. I remember at school thinking "christ, mr. or mrs. so and so was in a bad mood today". Maybe something shitty had happened to them. I wouldn't want to teach a 14 year old me and then god knows how many more in a day where I was in no mood to see anyone or all you wanted was a hug not a double scheduled class on Physics or something.

I got some nice presents today but I'm not sure they made me as happy as seeing my sister open her present. I was poor this year so I made her a mix CD instead. And she sat there by the stereo oblivious to all the people around her and actually sat and gave full attention to the songs I'd put on there for her. She's in her mid 30's now, and she split with her husband of 10 years earlier this winter. She's very sad too. You can just tell. I hope she's okay. And I hope my grandfather will be okay too. If he believes he's going to die he probably will. And that would be a shame, he's still got it all up there in his head. Things should sort out alright in the end, but I suppose compared to most i've not had the big setbacks. Maybe it's my turn now. And if so, I refuse to be in the midst of it living in a self-imposed ignorance that I have used as my shield in the past.

Tomorrow I go to my Uncles for Boxing Day. He left his wife this year too. He is an alcoholic and was cheating on her. With a woman who owns a pub. I will try and remain happy for their sake. Everyone wants happiness at this time of year, but maybe that longing, that expectation of some deserved happiness only distances us from it further and makes us feel all the more alone. I don't want it all to go wrong for me, I don't want to let that happen.

Merry christmas.


current mood: indescribable

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Thursday, December 23rd, 2004
9:44 pm
Who will give you an orgasm? by leslie13
So, who will make you moan?Ashton Kutcher.
Will it be good?Well, duh. You lamer.
Percentage of people who smiled when they saw this: 72%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

I kind of hoped they'd at least have picked me a female. Maybe i'll let him give an orgasm to one of you lot instead.

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9:02 pm
Aaargh my throat hurts. It hurts a lot. That's because i've been screaming. I wrote this evil Sonic Youth meets The Stooges riff earlier and I just knew I couldn't sing over it. That would be wrong, it's quite clearly not made for a melody. So as soon as the parents left the house I destroyed my oesophagus with "I heard you, you found pictures of God, you found pictures of God, and he had a frown on his face. Please don't stop. Please don't stop, i couldn't think what to do if we stopped".

I don't want a real job anymore. Me and my shitty math-pop (copyright 2004) band will take over the world. Starting with you.


Every time I read about Bloc Party, by the way, it KICKS ME IN THE BALLS (NB. metaphor). Band of 2005 etc. Grr. How come I can simultaneously have their first ever studio demo recorded for my label and at the same time still not be able to drive, be unable to concentrate on ANYTHING for more than two minutes and still have my mother wash my pants during seasonal holidays? What is this life about? What I ask you? And why the hell couldn't we release the song? I bought Kele a marshmallow flump. Where's his gratitude?

current mood: artistic

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Thursday, December 9th, 2004
2:23 pm
Here's a few photos from our gig:




They're not exactly works of arts but hey.

Also, i'm quitting weed. Even though I don't even smoke it much anymore. The fact is, my mind feels slow. It didn't use to.

current mood: awake

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Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
6:38 pm
Last weekend my band played our first gig supporting Serafin. It was great fun. Having learnt how to actually play an instrument, it wasn't quite as embarassing as the gig I played in Cambridge with Jess and Tom. That band split pretty soon afterwards! But we'll actually be going to record a demo at some point pretty soon - any money we get from shows we're saving towards recording so it shouldn't take too long before we can get something down on tape.

We're called The Soviet Method and we played four songs; Battleships, The Average Man Must Want To Die, Transition and Hunter Gatherer. We only played four because our last one is about ten minutes long and we didn't want to outstay our welcome.

Besides this I am, very, and I mean very, stressed out with all the work being thrown at me. It seems my project research (dissertation) tutor is unable to talk in simple, decipherable terms. No, instead he talks bollocks. I'm supposed to have 5000 words done by next week. Hmm.

When are you all back for Christmas?


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Monday, November 1st, 2004
12:43 pm

You have been warned.

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Thursday, October 7th, 2004
7:52 am
Fuck me, yes, i'm updating at long last. Life's got hectic and i have neglected Live Journal.

Things that are happening:

1. I have fixed my phone, sorry to anyone who has attempted to contact me recently; try again and you may be more successful
2. New website at www.denialrecords.com; we had Love Ends Disaster! come in and record a 5 track EP for us. It is sounding splendid.
3. Myself and Claire have been together now for just over six months. Which is nice.
4. I am growing my hair like the dirty fucking hippy I aspire to be.
5. There is a trampoline in my garage.
6. I now manage a band, Vox Merkoni (www.voxmerkoni.com); They are young and special.
7. Yes I would
8. I am 22 on October 24th. This scares me.
9. Reading festival was average this year. Yawn, yawn. Only TV on the Radio, McClusky and Placebo were truly any good.
10. The film, "Capturing The Friedmans" is far superior to the film, "Spy Kids 2".
11. I start work experience at Bella Union (www.bellaunion.com) from Wednesday.
12. In my house, the word we like is Clunge.


current mood: optimistic

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Monday, June 21st, 2004
1:52 pm - greetings

I'm on a break from a 12 hour shift at Mavern. I did 46 hours last week there and 41 the week before. I'm currently bored as all my housemates are in their home towns at the moment and my girlfriend has flown to New York. I should be coming back to Cambridge for a few days from Thursday 1st July so it'd be good to see people if they're going to be about.

I just picked up a Longview Vs. Mogwai 7" single with no label, no info, nothing. But i'll still have to wait till I get home to listen to it... and even worse I may have to miss the football if I can't have my shift shortened. Meh.


current mood: nostalgic

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Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
4:40 pm - Aha!
There was good reason for me not being able to get money out. I went to the bank to get some transaction statements to hate myself over and, actually, it's not all my fault. It looks like i've been frauded kids. Yessir. Apparently £150 was taken out in London on Friday while I was at work. I had the card in my pocket. So it wasn't me. And it wasn't anyone I know. And it wasn't you either. So it was a BURGLAR.

Anyway, I got to go to the police station and fill in some "victim of crime" forms. Ironically, I was wearing my Criminal hoodie at the time which made me feel like a bit of a prat and I also found out the policeman who served me lives just a couple of doors down from my house. I wonder if he can smell the weed?


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Tuesday, June 8th, 2004
1:46 pm - .....
A is for age: 21
B is for boyfriend: well, no. i have a girlfriend though. she's called claire. i've been seeing her for about 3 months.
C is for career: music industry shiznit. or a social worker. seriously, i have decided.
D is for dad's name: mike.
E is for essential item to bring to a party: drink obviously. or a sword. a big one.
F is for favorite song at the moment: ascent (an ending) by brian eno.
G is for good movie you recently saw: american splendor.
H is for hometown: lode, near bottisham. cambridge.
I is for instruments you play: guitar. bass. keyboard = scrappily.
J is for jewel that you like: no, i cant answer this one. no sir.
K is for kids: i'd like to create some when i'm older. but not right now thanks.
L is for living arrangements: hmm, mainly wycombe. my house or the ladies.
M is for mom's name : wendy.
N is for number of people you've slept with: i'm not a slut, but i'm not inexperienced. let's put it that way.
O is for overnight hospital stays: just a little. not for years.
P is for phobia[s]: nope.
Q is for quote you like: something by albert camus. it escapes my mind atm.
R is for right, what's on your right: about four random students playing pool.
S is for say something, anything: every time a page 3 girl gives her opinion in the sun it is not her own. and there is no such thing as a "source".
T is for time you wake up: it varies. the older i get, the more responsibilities i have. lying in is a rare pleasure these days.
U is for unique trait(s): i find it hard to stand still when i'm on my mobile. i will just walk, in circles or just pace about. and i wear shoes inside. wow.
V is for vegetable you love: brocolli. asparagus.
W is for worst habit: lethargy. no attention span. sporadically lazy.
X is for x-rays you've had: when i was a kid, like.
Y is for yummy food you make: i cook chicken better than your mum. yes.
Z is for zodiac sign: scorpio, but only the cusp. so a sprinkling of libra too then.

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1:39 pm - pauper
I officially have no money left. At all. Anywhere. There were insufficient funds to buy a paper today. But still, i'm fairly happy with my lot at the moment. Would like to come home soon, so might just do that. May have to walk, as I cant afford the train.


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Sunday, May 16th, 2004
12:47 pm - .....
So last night we all met up at 5pm at the Antelope for a few quiet drinks. After about three pints, Moore said he was drunk and wanted to go home. We forbade this and took a rota on guarding him so he couldn't go home. We then proceeded, all of us, to buy him a drink each and made him drink them ("but moore, it's rude not to drink something someone has bought you?"). These drinks had to be random so as to ensure maximum stomach upset. So, after his three pints of Kronenbourg he then had to stomach: a sambuca, half a pint of stella, 3 shots of toffee vodka, 3 jack daniels and cokes, pernod and a blue wkd. Halfway through his drinking acheivement he was vomiting into a nearby bin, but don't worry there was a tizer and whisky (yes) waiting for him when he'd finished.


current mood: tired

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Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
1:09 pm - nurse for nausea
so i'm pretty ill. but i don't think i've been this happy in as long as i can remember. which is funny considering my last post was in effect just a list of insecurities.

yesterday, when i received my daily 'good morning' texts from claire i told her i was ill so an hour later, at the doorstep, she appeared with lemsip, strepsils and cough medicine. we are so similar. it's really strange. and i mean that. it's not a matter of just wanting something to work (which has been the case with anyone i've been seeing at uni so far) i genuinely care about her and enjoy her company and she seems to feel the same. we spent the bank holiday weeked in london together, almost three days in each other's company and the only disagreement during the entire time was about whether or not she'd like "lost in translation" if she saw it. i argued yes, she argued no and then we ate pizza. mine with toppings, hers just glorified cheese bread as she doesnt like tomato.

i'll shut up now. i've things to do and i should really be in bed sleeping.

i hope you're all okay because i feel like i am. hugely so.


current mood: sick

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